Marry me marry me, say yes for the rest, the rest of your LIFE!
Okay I can’t sing, but that’s a total ear worm. I’ve been waiting for this movie to come out for approximately two years. When it got pushed back twice due to the pandemic, it was like, “D**n.” But guess what? It’s out, and I watched it at the theater on its release date! Cue jazz hands.
Of course this movie was bound to be messy. Of course the plot was out of whack. But guess what? Unlike most critics, I’m going to have some lightheartedness when writing this review and not take everything so seriously. Part of being a good reviewer is knowing that you should not hold every piece of art/media to the same standards.
What is Marry Me? Marry Me is a rom-com that has a Married at First Sight type of plot. It consists of pop star Kat Valdez (played by Jennifer Lopez) preparing to get married to fellow pop star Bastian (played by Maluma). But guess what? Bastian is cheats on her with her assistant several minutes prior to the wedding ceremony. When she gets on stage wearing her wedding dress, she makes a monologue before randomly pointing to Charlie Gilbert (Owen Wilson) and marrying him on the spot.
And from there, Kat tries to get to know him better while juggling in her endeavors as a celebrity. She tries to handle the situation to the best of her ability with her manager Collin Calloway (John Bradley) and her assistant Mel (Michelle Buteau). The film also stars Sarah Silverman as Parker Debbs (Charlie’s friend) and Chole Coleman as Lou Gilbert (Charlie’s daughter).
And that’s the synopsis without the spoilers. Well, the part about Bastian cheating is a spoiler but not really a spoiler given that it’s a key part of the summary. The review I’m about to give on this movie is based on various parts of the movie and the overall product. I feel like writing about Marry Me in this way, especially the parts that I thought were good, bad, and WTF moments. Anyways, let’s get to the “sparkling apple cider” of this review. See what I did there? I said that instead of “tea,” because why not? *clinks glasses*
TW: Spoilers may be given in this review. If you plan to watch the movie, read at your own risk.
The Good: Two words: J.Lo’s presence. Oh my God, I literally had an out of body experience at the intro through hearing her voice and seeing her on the big screen. Who needs drugs or alcohol when you can just watch her throughout the movie? Also her outfits and the glam—totally everything. She easily carries this whole movie. Duh, she’s a rom-com veteran, but still. She’s a queen who always gets hated on for no reason, and y’all better appreciate her.
Now to the movie content, there were a slew of relatable moments in the film. For example, when Kat Valdez said that love is “a lie,” I felt that. It certainly is. And the hysterics made me internally die of laughter. Although “We don’t move the Today Show, we move FOR the Today Show” is easily one of the movie’s best quotes. Michelle Buteau really rocked as Mel and brought humor to scenes that would’ve otherwise been incredibly sappy. John Bradley (aka Samwell Tarly if you’ve watched Game of Thrones) comes across as a real manager and played the part so convincingly. And while she’s been guilty of Blackface in the past, I can’t imagine another comedian/actress that could’ve taken Sarah Silverman’s place as Charlie’s sidekick. Well, maybe I can. I don’t want to discuss it right now though.
Overall, the cast was cohesive. And fun fact: J.Lo’s son, Max, is in the movie towards the end. He’s the one that says a snarky remark after Charlie’s daughter, Lou, is announced as the last competitor of the Mathalon. That was an interesting appearance to me. But I side-eye Kat for the man she chose. Let me elaborate on that in “the bad” section.
Although P.S. Maluma is so handsome. Too bad he had to be the cheater. The photos you see of him and J.Lo are not hot from the movie’s context, but when you see them outside of the movie? ABSOLUTELY HOT! Two of the world’s sexist people in one photo.
I mean, LOOK at them!
The Bad: First things first. The song “Church.” I mean, the performance aesthetics were BEAUTIFUL! But why was “Church” placed in the movie and not “Lonely”? I need answers about why they shelved “Lonely.” Even so, “Church” is starting to grow on me. Probably because I’m starting to get used to it.
Though about Kat’s choice in men. As hot as Kat is, she could’ve nabbed a hotter man than Charlie. Shoot, she could marry the world’s hottest male supermodel if she wanted to. Owen Wilson is a fine actor in this movie, but why couldn’t someone more charismatic play his role? Shoot, why does her love interest always have to be a White man? Why not a Black man, Asian man, or another Latino man? All I know is, I would’ve chose a hotter man than she chose, even with my eyes shut. I really hope J.Lo casts men of color as her love interests in the future instead of just plain White men. All those men in the crowd and Kat couldn’t pick someone more attractive and charismatic? Pathetic.
Case in point, when Kat and Charlie kissed on stage. What kind of kiss was that? Child I’m laughing due to the desperation at that moment. And during different parts of the movie, Kat’s fish-out-of-water demeanor was quite awkward, and it first shows in the bowling scene when she asks, “What do I do?” And she had that look on her face that you would make when in an awkward situation. Even worse was when Charlie challenged her to do things without any hired help. Letting her throw a huge rock at the windows in order to get in the house? Letting her operate a blender without a top on it? Charlie is a bad husband for taking that top away from her and giving her such an awful challenge. Some jokes in the movie were quite flimsy in my opinion. but that’s what I expected.
And why was Lou distracted over a foolish boy? What kind of national championships only has a small group of teams competing? Good grief.
The WTF: I think there are a lot of WTF moments about this movie. Aside from the wedding, some of the ways the characters act are quite odd. What kind of father/daughter relationship does Lou/Charlie have? Why does Charlie let Lou be a smart mouth instead of keeping her in check?
What kind of endorsement is Kat doing with Vitamix when she can’t even remember to use a top? So corny. Then again, many celebrities don’t use what they endorse in real life.
Why is Kofi the camera man everywhere? Maybe Charlie was right when he said that relationships and everything about a celebrity’s persona are a façade. In real life, this is often the case anyway. Celebrity relationships can and have been publicity stunts. It also makes me think that celebrities do indeed call the paparazzi often. If that’s the case, then nobody should call the paparazzi on me when I’m famous. Take photos of me on red carpets and special events, and red carpets and special events only. I have a dream wardrobe saved on Instagram that would literally make me a FASHION ICON! I want to be famous just so I can wear evening gowns and smile at the cameras often hahaha.
And on a random note, the way Kat ran in heels. That part got me bent. Wearing a fancy dress and trying to rush to the airport at the same time is something I could never do. Then again, J.Lo has been wearing high heels for decades. As for me, I can barely wear sneakers without getting a callus or blister. It’s something I’ve already addressed with a podiatrist and I’m getting treatment, so don’t worry. This is just me making random statements as “I” (emphasis on “I”) see fit.
Final Verdict: A thought I had when watching the first few minutes was that this movie should’ve been called The Chaotic World of Kat Valdez. That would’ve been a suitable title, because a lot of what goes on in her world pertains to maintaining her persona as a celebrity. Films her life on camera, does endorsements, has an entourage, hired help, and all of that corny stuff. It’s totally a reflection of J.Lo’s life.
P.S. Some of the footage of her in the movie are not stock videos. Rather they are real videos filmed back before the pandemic. The concert clips with large crowds? Real footage of her from her It’s My Party tour. The music video for “El Anillo” was also playing in the background in the scene where Charlie and Parker meet with Collin and Mel in preparation for a press conference. The casual viewer would not know this, but as a diehard J.Lo stan, I can interpret things that the average person cannot. You’d have to watch the movie with me in order to get what I mean.
Though let’s sum things up. Marry Me‘s plot is certainly chaotic and over-the-top, but there is some inspiration and insight about sexism and the dark truth of fame. Some folks saw the trailer and thought, “What kind of movie is this? It doesn’t make sense.” But this movie gets a high rating from me despite those elements. Why? Because not everything has to make sense. This plot may not be realistic, but so what? That also applies to so many other rom-coms.
And so what if J.Lo “played herself” in this movie? White women can play roles where their social identities don’t matter, but in this movie and in Hustlers, she “plays herself?” I don’t know what type of logic that consists of other than implicit biases on who gets credit. Don’t even get me started on the folks that say that “sHe PlAyS tHe SaMe RoLe In EvErY mOvIe.”
And why does every movie have to deal with real-world trauma? Honestly, it’s great to have a movie that’s not all about real-world trauma.
“But Krista, why are you giving this movie such a high rating just because J.Lo’s in it? How can we trust your rating in this case? YoU’rE sO bIaSeD.”
I know I’m biased, but I said what I said. I’ve watched this movie no fewer than three times, and I watch different parts on a regular basis. The boring girl chronicles *cue eye roll*.
Anywho, Shotgun Wedding will be released in late June. Until then, stream the movie on Peacock to release your endorphins! And also read my past article on the first two songs released before the movie, “Pa’Ti” and “Lonely”: https://sweetsimplicity16.com/jennifer-lopez-and-maluma-pati-lonely-dual-song-review/
