DISCLAIMER: My experiences pertain to the NPC sororities, which consist of historically White sororities. It is not about any of the MGC or NPHC sororities, which consist of multicultural and historically Black sororities, respectively.
If someone were to ask me the question, “What was something that everybody hyped up for you that wasn’t really worth it in your opinion?” my answer would be, “Greek life. It’s trash. Would not recommend. Half of a star, Greek life is THE WORST life I’ve ever lived.”
Okay, I wouldn’t have worded it like that nor even answered “Greek life” spontaneously. Though question aside, I would say that I am joking, yet also serious with that answer. I might not describe it as “trash,” but would I recommend it? No. Would I give it half of a star? Maybe. Did I expect something greater? Yes.
When envisioning my sorority experience, I hoped that I would have a social life within a group. A group where I would have tight-knit connections and a group that would consist of some of my closest friends. While I had high hopes, it unfortunately did not work out that way. The funny thing is that I was crowned “Panhellenic Woman of the Semester” due to my efforts in attending the few Panhellenic events that happened. I was showered with love, of course. This was a title any NPC sorority member could earn. So when I disaffiliated about 5 months later, it came as a shock. Keep in mind that I did all this within 7 months. I earned the title less than 3 months into my membership.
But now I pose the question: Why would a “Panhellenic Woman of the Semester” disaffiliate from her sorority so shortly after winning the title? Before I get into the reasons I disaffiliated, let’s look at what made me go through NPC formal recruitment in the first place.
Background: For me, I was interested in Greek Life before I even graduated from high school. I would say I had thought about it around 2 years before I graduated (likely more), so it wasn’t new to me entering college. I’ve always struggled to make friends and transferred to an online school when I was 14 due to extreme distress in my brick-and-mortar school. After 3.5 years of online school, I was excited for college and ready to make a change in my life. I went through formal recruitment as a freshman after completing my first semester of college, and I had just turned 18 years old. Recruitment week was definitely a roller-coaster ride to say the least. While it did not end up going the way I expected (ended up at my very last choice), I chose to accept the bid and try it out anyway.
I remained in my sorority for 7 months before deciding to disaffiliate. I did not wake up one morning and say “You know what? I’m gonna write a resignation letter and disaffiliate from my sorority.” Rather, it took months of thinking and feeling out of place. A little known fact is that I felt cold feet from the beginning and contemplated leaving before initiation. The reason I did not was because I thought it was likely that I would never get another bid elsewhere. Thus, I went through initiation to see if it would be valuable, especially with the hundreds of dollars in fees.
My first semester in my sorority would be the first and last hundreds of dollars I ever spent in the name of “sisterhood.” Why? There’s a combination of reasons, and I will elaborate on those reasons right now. Especially if you or someone you know is considering going through the NPC recruitment process, the information I’m about to give is worth considering before deciding to commit to a White feminist club.
TW: Mentions of drugs, tokenism, implicit biases, classism, COVID-19. Read at your own risk.
The recruitment process is really not “mutual-selection.”
During recruitment, you’re told to “trust the process,” meaning that you will end up where you are meant to be. While this phrase means well, it’s hard to believe it when it is ultimately up to the sorority on whether they want you or not. As we know, the process is not always fair and can be biased due to nepotism, colorism, racism, and other forms of discrimination. After each night, you rank the sororities based on how much you liked them. You have the option to drop a set amount (depending on the university). I had the option to drop one, since there are only 4 NPC sororities at my ex-university. After the first night, I was only invited back to my second and last choices, because my first and third choices dropped me.
While it was heartbreaking for a few moments, I thought, “They must see something in me to invite me back.” Even so, it is not a mutual-selection process. Sororities have the final say, and you have to take what you can get. And you only get to talk to those girls for a few minutes. That alone is not representative of how relationships will go in the long-run. Not to mention, I do not feel comfortable ranking the worthiness of “potential news members” based on 4-5 minutes of conversation.
It’s also unfair that potential fraternity members have the choice to rush only the fraternities they’re interested in. Meanwhile, potential sorority members have to go to all of them (interested or not) and be ranked in shallow ways. What does this say about who gets more autonomy? A woman’s choice should allow her to affiliate/disaffiliate from social groups at her own discretion.
There’s a lack of diversity and performative activism + tokenism.
The one I ended up in was a top choice of mine before recruitment started, because their Instagram looked so nice. (These NPC sororities are all about keeping up appearances.) However, after watching their recruitment video, it automatically became my last choice due to the blatant lack of racial diversity. As we say in the Black community, all skinfolk ain’t kinfolk, and being around nice people regardless of race is always very sweet. Though when it comes to inclusivity, it has to be deep below surface level. You must be willing to know people on a deeper level and do so outside of obligations. Unfortunately, I felt like the “token Black girl” in my ex-sorority.
Like many performative organizations in June 2020, the chapter made a “solidarity statement” that was generic and not direct about future diversity & inclusion plans. They sang the same song about how “we condemn the violence” and that “we must have conversations.” But if Black lives matter, why was I one of only two non-mixed Black women inducted into the sorority during the 2020-21 school year? Why do Black women (including half-Black women) make up less than 10% of all chapter members? That’s a far cry from my ex-university’s demographics, of which over 25% of the student population is Black. Racism is not just a problem in sororities. Featurism, colorism, sizeism, and classism are also issues. Not reflecting on those factors or working to become as reflective (if not more) of university’s demographics, that’s tokenism. That’s not inclusion.
I also felt this way when it came to my “big” being selected. I feel like my “big,” Petra*, only wanted me as her little because I was Black and because as an African Diaspora Studies minor she aspired to have more experiences with Black people. I also feel that she expected me to have certain beliefs (especially on #AbolishThePolice) and act a certain way, not limited to enjoying popular White artists. None of the criteria apply to me. I would’ve had more respect for her if she actually spent more time with me. I would’ve been okay with being the “token Black girl” if I were treated as a primary person in the group and not a third wheel. Though for anybody, regardless of who they are, treating me as a third wheel is a red flag.
It didn’t help that there was a lot of performative activism. There are various examples I can list, but one of them is how sorority girls constantly repost infographics on their Instagram stories about various crises, have pronouns and/or #BLM in their bios. P.S. Doing all three of those things does not make you an ally, much less an accomplice (read definitions here). Especially when marginalized groups have risked their lives, relationships, and social standing to stand up for their rights, performative activism is an absolute “no.”
Let’s be clear. You have to start somewhere, and that may mean being performative in the beginning. However, being committed means preparing to devote years towards self-accountability, action, and compromise. It’s easy to repost an image that says you’re a safe person. It’s much harder to devote a set amount from your monthly allowance to uplift social justice organizations/activists.
What happened during June 2020 was a trend, and even after calls to end legacy bias, the National Office of my ex-sorority stated that they would keep legacy bias in recruitment. I get it, but at the same time, it’s a performative move given who these sororities really serve: White, attractive, non-disabled women who have a bunch of travel and #squad photos on Instagram. As a Black female with severe mental illness and a lack of travel experiences, I unfortunately cannot relate to that. Plus, the NPC sororities would’ve rejected my grandmothers two generations ago anyway.
Their actions were at odds with my values.
While I will not list the name of my ex-sorority here, I will give you a hint and say that it was founded in the same year as the enactment of the Indian Appropriations Act, which forced Native Americans onto reservations in modern-day Oklahoma. Slavery was also still legal under law. It’s no secret that U.S. history books are dishonest, but imagine celebrating the birth of a White feminist club that wasn’t founded with Black or Indigenous women in mind. I know some will be telling me that “that was then. Get over it.” Times have evolved, but racism is a pandemic that has been raging for 550 years and counting.
I mean, I have talked about slavery reparations and how there should be reparations for Black American descendants of slaves. How can I flap my gums about that, yet be part of an exclusive organization that was founded more than a decade before the Whipped Peter photograph was taken, which (finally) converted White northerners into abolitionists? How? I could, but my cognitive dissonance would be strong. I won’t share the photo here, but I will warn that if you decide to search, there are a lot of scars on the subject’s (Gordon’s) back. And it shows the extreme brutality of slavery and whippings.
To be honest, I have not always been as passionate about condemning injustices as I am now. I’m more knowledgeable about the matter than I was 2 years ago. Though since I woke up, I’ve realized that I can’t be part of a misogynoirist system that existed before slavery. This came to a head at an open recruitment event. Although we were outside in a picnic area, there were some girls (including PNMs) crowded on one picnic table, and several attendees tested positive for COVID after the event. I was not at that table, and fortunately I did not test positive.
Though what bothered me most is not purely the fact that I was the only one who was double-masked the whole time, (at least from my memory). Rather it was the fact that they spread a virus that has disproportionately affected BIPOC and disabled communities. If Black lives mattered to the sorority girls, they would’ve thought about the public health research that shows Black people are more likely to die from COVID-19 than White people. If they wanted to stop Asian hate, they would’ve thought of the public health research that shows Asian people face struggles with testing accessibility and are also more likely to die from COVID-19 than White people. If they cared about ending ableism, they would’ve thought about how unmasking could unknowingly spread COVID to disabled patients, who face various challenges, not limited to accessibility barriers and weakened immune systems.
All the struggles based on race, ability, and other categories are intersectional. That’s why it’s so important to think about the impact of our actions. The members of my ex-sorority failed to acknowledge those facts and fight against them through their personal actions. In this case, by not wearing masks. Thus, they exerted their privilege in socially unconscious ways, and that exertion of privilege upholds White supremacy. Because at the end of the day, it’s not just neo-Nazis that uphold White supremacy. White liberals can be guilty of it too.
I value intersectionality. I value multiculturalism. I value loyalty. I value commitments for change. Any group or individual that does not strive to improve on those facets is not worth my time. We all make mistakes of course, but what/how are you striving to improve outside of lip service?
Lack of deep connections/not a good environment for the academic
I cannot stress enough how superficial the relationships were. Many of the members would be like “I LOVE YOU” and “MY FAVORITE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD UwU.” It’s strange to me, and I think we overuse the word “love” nowadays. I was “love bombed” with sorority merchandise and Instagram likes, but that’s it. A question that lingers in me is this: How many of my former “sisters” have actually read an article on my blog? An even bigger question is, how many of them have actually listened to my podcast? While it’s wrong to make assumptions, it wouldn’t surprise me if less than 5 of them had done so (there were around 50 members at the time).
The truth of the matter is, if you haven’t read at least one of my blog articles, you don’t know me. And you definitely don’t love me. My blog showcases my interests, and it’s how you get to know my personality, writing style, and emotional sides of me. Although if you’re reading this article and it’s your first, you know me now 😉
Though if I get even more brutally honest, Petra and I weren’t really a match. I would say that we were the least compatible big/little of the entire chapter. The other new members enjoyed their bigs and even spent substantial time together outside of sorority events. Though as we were both different personalities with different priorities, there were irreconcilable differences from the jump. She was okay with consuming drugs and partying with the frats, and I had zero interest in engaging with that. Then again, that was far from exclusive to Petra.
Don’t even get me started on how there was a private event outside of school campus (not a frat party) where there was alcohol in the presence of underaged attendees and around 2-3 of the girls were encouraged to “TAKE A SHOT!” And then there were photos shared at that same event that could get a job candidate rejected if a potential employer were to see them. I won’t get into the specifics of them, but your imagination can piece them together. On the way to my dorm, I was told, “you don’t have to do those things to have fun.” But I knew that was a lie. You have to do those things to have fun all around. And when I mean “those things,” I mean drugs, inappropriate conduct, and God knows what. None of those things are in my personal or best interests.
It is also not in my best interests to engage in superficial relationships. While I had thoughts about leaving for months, the 1st time I knew for sure that it would happen was at my university’s Fall Kickoff. The night before, one of the members named Melinda* walked by me and said she looked forward to seeing me at the event. But then she never once said “hi” to me or acknowledged my existence the next day. We never had any bad blood. I never had bad blood with any of the sisters. But the other girls also never truly acknowledged me. Even if they did, it was super brief. Petra wasn’t around that day, though even if she was, I felt out of place and as if I had no integral role in the group. The other girls took photos with each other, talked, and enjoyed each other’s company. However, I had to spend time with another group at Fall Kickoff in order to feel any sort of kinship. No wonder why I left, ehh?
So when the chapter found out that I was leaving, they were all so shocked. Why? None of them spent real time with me at fall kickoff. None of them asked me to spend time with them outside of sorority functions. None of them invited me on trips to the beach, state parks, or anywhere else for fun. None of them checked on me after fall kickoff to ask, “Hey, what’s going on?” or “I’ve noticed you’ve acted differently around us lately. Wanna talk about it?” All of their behavior shows that they took me for granted and that the main reason I was in it was because I made them look good (especially academically). I’m super intelligent, but if you expect me to consider you a friend, you have to put in mutual effort. The other group I spent time with at fall kickoff consisted of people who cared about inclusivity and fostering genuine relationships. The same could not be said about my ex-sorority.
Lackluster hall experience
As my former university does not have a big Greek Life culture, there aren’t gigantic sorority houses like the ones at the University of Alabama or Ole Miss. Even so, a handful of the members talked about how they got “so much closer to their sisters” by living in the sorority hall. Hearing that made me think that I would have a similar experience. Well from someone who lived to tell the tale, let me tell you: it’s B.S.
Going into the school year, I was thinking that only sorority sisters would be in that hall. I also thought that I would have my own room, but guess what? None of those two things were true. There were non-sorority members in that hall and I ended up being roommates with a freshman that didn’t have an interest in rushing. This made me upset at first. Though on the plus side, having a non-sorority member roommate made the transition out of sorority life easier.
In the short time I was in the hall as a member, there was not a lot going on. There were hardly any activities that would bring me and my sorority member hall mates together. It wasn’t like I thought it would be at all. And then remaining in that hall even after disaffiliating was such a pain. It took a toll on my psyche and made me feel a lot of grief as to why membership didn’t work out. I could’ve been part of the other fall semester events and also part of recruitment. I could have done all of that, but I chose to bail out. I don’t regret dropping my sorority and do not have an interest in ever returning as a member. But that grief due to past trauma from other failed relationships carries on, and that is what I have felt here.
The classism that persists with expensive dues + numerous philanthropy weeks
I’ve read articles and watched videos from former sorority members at different universities. Their reasons were common: too many obligations, financial struggles, decreased interest, the list goes on. Though there’s one reason I left that hardly any others have brought up: countless philanthropy weeks. Oh my God, let me tell you. There were back-to-back-to-back philanthropy weeks amongst the NPC/IFC chapters. So many of them in fact that it’s why I said they were “back-to-back-to-back.”
One week, X sorority would host a philanthropy week, and then the next week, Y fraternity would host a philanthropy week. And then the next week, Z sorority and AA fraternity would work together on a philanthropy week and yadda yadda yadda. On top of the hundreds of dollars you pay for in dues each semester (which includes socials and philanthropy events), you are nudged into donating more for each chapter’s philanthropic causes.
I realized that this was implicit classism when Petra texted me one afternoon asking, “Are you going to the Chipotle fundraiser?” I said, “Probably,” and she said, “you better.” All I said was, “I appreciate it.” I figured Petra was mad at me about something else, which I will not talk about here. However, I didn’t like the way she texted me about it at all. It’s like many of the sorority and fraternity members assume that every member has easy access to money. I saw it on the weeks sororities competed for trophies and acknowledgement from the fraternities. Speaking of which…
It’s part of a patriarchal system where fraternities pit sororities against each other.
Oh lord. This is something that bugs me to this day. I could NOT stand how sororities would spend more time with fraternities (particularly the historically White fraternities of the IFC) than with other sororities. The frats would have fundraisers that pit sororities against each other and further prove that “Greek unity” is a myth. Believe me, some of the behavior could get quite petty. And then the queens they also crown for being loyal to them, heteronormative much? Where are the queens crowned across other sororities for being loyal to them? Where are the kings crowned across other fraternities for being loyal to them? That, my friends, is where the problems stem in. If you are someone questioning your sexuality or gender identity, the NPC/IFC organizations really aren’t good places to explore them. Even if you’re straight, the peer pressure to get fresh with the frats can be really strong.
Past the heteronormativity, the system clearly gives more autonomy to the guys. They get to choose which frats they apply for and have parties at their houses. Meanwhile, the girls have to discover all the sororities regardless of interest level and can’t have parties in their halls. That’s full-on patriarchy, and formats like it are how sexism is upheld, even at an implicit level. Though on the whole, it’s incredibly sad that I didn’t get much interaction with girls from other sororities. I wanted to have friends from other sororities, but it didn’t really happen. What good is “panhellenic love” if you don’t get opportunities to regularly interact with members of other sororities?
Demands increase as a full member.
To be frank, I didn’t want to be out of my building late at night just for recruitment practice. By sunset, I’d rather be in my building (or close to it) doing whatever my heart desires. It might not be a school night for me, but that’s still what I want. And I also want the autonomy to get a shower, brush my teeth, and go to sleep at the time I desire. I can’t do that if I have to leave my building for an 8PM meeting on the opposite side of campus. That’s pushing my limits. And then the other meetings during different days of the week were eating up my work schedule. I knew my grades were going to free fall if I didn’t make changes. Though would you like to know how I felt every time I saw notifications of another meeting? This clip played in my head every time.
BONUS: The Hollywood stereotypes of drugs/partying are true and not at all unrealistic.
Hollyweird has created discriminatory stereotypes, but they accurately depicted Greek Life stereotypes in the movies. Drug culture in Greek Life is very real, and so is partying. You’d be surprised at how many members vaped in my ex-sorority, despite the fact that vaping poses serious health risks. Speaking of health risks, there have been frat parties during the COVID-19 pandemic, which have caused clusters of positive cases. Gee, I wonder why my ex-sorority’s cluster didn’t count into the university’s totals.
There is also the ongoing stereotype about “paying for friends.” That’s not wrong. Make no mistake, you do pay money for different opportunities to meet new people. Albeit, they don’t normally cost hundreds of dollars each semester. And as I reflect, I realize I did pay for friends. Let’s be honest. Had I ended up in another sorority, none of the members in my ex-sorority would’ve followed me on Instagram nor even cared about who I was. Just like how very few members of other sororities follow me on Instagram or care about who I am. They already made that decision during recruitment. Not every environment is for everybody and first impressions are super important, but deciding who will be lifelong members of a sorority just from a 5-minute conversation? Abysmally, abysmally, abysmally shallow, love.
And of course, love-bombing is a very real phenomenon. I witnessed that in my ex-sorority, especially with being told, “I love you, Krista” and other various compliments. It was flattering at first, but it got annoying since they didn’t really spend time with me on a personal level. They did so out of obligation in the beginning, but then later, they didn’t give as much effort. And my “grandbig” Diana* is an example of this. She would act so proud of me and my accomplishments. She seemed like a nice person, but the problem is that we hadn’t had a real conversation since formal recruitment. The couple times I tried, it didn’t extend outside of 3-4 short messages. In general, it was obvious the interest towards me was just because I was another one of their members.
For the record, I did attempt to make connections with my “sisters.” Really tried, but remember when I said the sorority members hardly spent time with me outside of sorority functions? Yeah, that hurt. I was never real friends with any of the members, even if they were to insist otherwise. Because of that, what was the point of remaining in the group? I won’t invite any of them to my wedding. I won’t invite any of them to Busch Gardens or to my cookouts. They’d never invite me to any of their events, so why should I put in the effort?
If one of the NPC recruitment rules were that your last choice was dropped no matter what, I ultimately would not have earned a bid. Had that happened, I might’ve tried continuous open bidding and hoped for something off of that. It would’ve hurt, but even so, I would’ve ultimately been okay if I had never been in a sorority. It’s always a bummer when you get rejected from something, but I would’ve bounced back.
I would say that the 7 months in my ex-sorority helped me figure out some of my values. It came during a tough time in my life. But if someone told me there were better options out there and I were more self-confident, I may have never rushed in the first place. When I hear about the instances of sexual assault, drugging, and other shady things in frat houses, those are red flags. I’ve already gone through enough mental trauma in my life, and I don’t need to add anymore to it.
Though if someone were to ask me, “Do you think it’s possible for Greek Life to reform?” I would say that it’s not impossible. Though with that said, it’s gonna take a LOT of work and probably more than the NPC/IFC are willing to do. So here’s how I think members should go about this issue. If you genuinely care about social justice issues and combating injustices, the least performative thing you can do is disaffiliate. Even if you’re an alumna, stop paying the fees. Because the truth is that fighting injustices consists of giving up and transferring some of your power. The NPC/IFC are power structures, and it’s hypocritical to say things like “defund/abolish the police” while remaining in one of their sororities/fraternities. It’s also hypocritical to say that you’re against capitalism while remaining in a capitalist appendix such as the NPC/IFC.
Pi Beta Phi made a statement that said at the end of the second to last paragraph: “Abolishing the sorority experience or walking away from Pi Beta Phi membership means diminishing the collaborative coalition of women who have, for decades, made change together.” Okay, but historically, who did the coalition of women consist of? White, attractive, non-disabled, cishet women. And to not acknowledge that there are other ways of creating collaborative coalitions of women shows elitism and discord with the real world. There are multicultural and service clubs that strive to promote social justice and cultural competency. There are charities and organizations that you can work with and fundraise for without being part of any Greek Life organization. There are wellness clubs, support groups, and other forms of socialization where you can meet amazing women with similar goals.
Though you know where it would hurt the NPC/IFC organizations most? Money. Money talks. So instead of using the hundreds if not thousands of dollars to pay NPC/IFC dues, invest that money in small businesses, mutual-aid efforts, activists of various causes, personal self-growth, and reparations for marginalized groups. Because instead of trying to keep White feminist organizations like the NPC afloat, there should be more college living learning communities, high-quality mental health support, accessible routes for disabled people, reparations for Black people, and of anything else that would contribute to justice. Advocate for those things, not White supremacist NPC/IFC organizations.
*Pseudonyms used to protect identities.
Featured image credits: mikoto.raw Photographer (pexels.com)
